As part of my professional development at work, I’ve taken a course and been studying to take a certification exam for Knowledge Centered Service. I took the course months ago, and I’ve been reading the recommended list, and taking notes. We’ve also been living this with my team as we help ramp up the processes company wide. I decided that I was going to take the exam this week. So on Friday, I was out of runway, so I took it. I’ve been nervous for… well… months. So I continued to read and make myself more nervous. I passed, and there were only a few questions that I had to go back to review and change my answers. I’m not sure why I wasn’t confident in my ability to pass the certification, even though I’m very confident in my ability to live the process every day.
It also manifests in my nonstop fear that, after almost 100 lifetime visits to the dentist, the next trip is going to be the one where I finally have my first cavity. Or a whole mouthful of cavities. I don’t have tooth pain, I’m the lunatic who actually *does* floss daily, and I take my oral health seriously. But I’m convinced that next visit, it will all be for naught.
And I have the same dread when my gentleman associate and I negotiate our mortgage (or get financing for a new car). I’m never quite sure that we’ll get the financing, even though I know in my heart of hearts that our credit is good and there’s no real reason why we wouldn’t be approved.
At the root of it, it’s certainly about submitting myself to be measured against some yardstick, and fearing that I’ll be found lacking. Some of it is perhaps about my perceved lack of rubric – in the certification exam, I didn’t know what “a passing mark” meant, only that the test was 23 questions. Some of it is just the ongoing anxiety of Not Being Enough.
This Lent, may my fears help me to stay on point. May I be confident that my efforts will result in becoming a better person when this project is complete.