Recently, a friend was very upset, so I went to talk to her. She was to the point of rage-crying. I listened to her (because that’s what she needed), and if she asked me what I thought, I told her. Eventually calmed down, and she said, “I’m sorry for being upset”.
I assured her that she certainly didn’t have to apologize for being (justifiably) upset. But she apologized to me several times over the rest of the evening. I realized, later, that she wasn’t apologizing for being upset – she clearly wasn’t reticent about her anger. But she was apologizing for being upset *in front of me*.
I’ve watched it happen a few times since then, in different circumstances. When someone feels like their emotions are out of control, they apologize for them. That seems like a weird thing to apologize for to me, right up until I realize that I lock some of my emotions down for exactly that reason. I don’t want anyone to see them, in their raw ugly-cry splendor. Rage, I’m less apologetic about, but hurt, yeah, that bitch gets locked down tight.
You’ll all notice that I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus for a few weeks. Some of that is about the fact that my DayJob is sitting in front of a computer drafting text, and the last few weeks, and there have been challenges afoot. I mean, I signed up for High Tech, and the challenges (and benefits) of cutting edge technology, but some weeks feel hard. This was one of those.
I’ve found that the last few weeks have left me unable to dedicate more time to my laptop at home, to create pithy things that I’ve been thinking about. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job, quite a lot, actually. I mean, there’s always challenges in every job – you want that… you just don’t want it to pinch too much. Which I guess is every job, ever, to some degree. I need a mood loofah to just get rid of that kind of stuff so that it doesn’t infect other things. I really like writing this blog, and yet, I let myself get un-inspired by other parts of my life. That’s no good. I also don’t just want to be ragey in the Swearyverse, even though I used up the my curse quota for the rest of the year in the aftermath of a snarky week.
So what’s a girl to do when she hits the wall like that? Because my mind space was definitely not good.
- I took a look at my diet. There was waaaaay to much in there that I don’t tolerate well. There may or may not have been a day when I ate 4 bagels (and wheat is not my friend). But there have also been some days of really great soup with swiss chard/spinach/beet greens and chick peas and garlic. I’m getting better at nourishing myself properly when I know I’m going off the rails.
- I took a few big steps to get a space in my house back under control. It’s a space where I could just sit and breathe and stretch, but it became a catch-all crap-collecting room that held all the things that didn’t really have a home elsewhere. For the last 4 or 5 days, I’ve spent some time in there at night, settling my mind before bed.
- I started using a different fitbit for nighttime. I have 2: My flex2 is waterpoof, so I can wear it in the pool. Child’s cast-off Charge2 has better night-time analysis, so I can see how much of my night is REM, light, or deep rest. It also has a heart-rate monitor, so when my pulse starts racing, I can walk away from whatever is making it race (if it’s not a good thing).
- I bought some crystals for my desk at work – to dispel poor energy, to protect from energy-sucks, to restore emotional balance. I don’t know if these things actually work or not, but it’s a nice bowl of pretty things on my desk, and that’s no small thing.
We’re coming up on the Autumn Equinox in a few weeks. I’m working on the places where I’m off balance now, so that by equinox, I’m better balanced. Good luck to all of us.
2 thoughts on “Hitting the wall”
If you call them rocks instead of crystals people look at you at little less “funny”. If one cares about such things.
I have a million rocks and people think I’m just a nature lover. HA! And besides crystals ARE rocks. Fancy ones but rocks nonetheless. There’s a good reason we collect talismans and it’s shame those who do are thought less of. Booo to that!
I’m really feeling the change too. Your post is a great reminder to put my self care program under the microscope.
Bless those friends who allow us to be feel and show our feelings in their truth and entirety. I always apologise too but never feel it’s a hardship to witness them from others. My friend says “Sometimes life is messy” and isn’t that the truth.
Sure is, Lael. Sure is.
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